Because I am an Alcoholic...

Why do I drink? What are my triggers? Do I even need triggers? It seems that I drink because I just want to. These past 7 days have been rough. On 2 separate days I had 2 drinks: 1 was a medium marguarita and the other a large white Russian. Here in south Louisiana we have drive-thru daiquiri shops. They are very hard for this alcoholic to resist. Do you also see how my addiction tried to minimize this by telling you the amounts? Like just having the above is not much....but for an alcoholic, it starts the insane compulsive thoughts and actions where I wake up thinking how can I get or avoid a drink? It is such insanity. I struggle. I am so trying to find a balance. And again, I named this blog that title because I want to be able to drink like normal people so I am trying to figure out how..the balance. Oh! It is exhausting. Today I need to tell my husband. Or do I? My therapist wants me to. My addiction says no! He will leave me!!! Good grief. If anyone is reading this...well I need to hear some support. I will go to a meeting today.

Soooo thankful!!!

After 17 years of hard floor nursing, I burned out. Furiously!!! Bottles and bottles of wine and bottles of ambien saw me off to rehab. Since then, I went back to work as a nurse but within 2 months I quit. My grandson passed away and I then relapsed. Now, a year later, I work part-time at a library. It is heaven! My husband would like for me to go back into nursing, but the thought of that makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I applied for a telemetry monitor tech/unit secretary. And I prayed about it. I was really nervous because it would be shift work and nights and OH MY GOD!!! I was getting anxious just thinking about it. I am happy to report that I did not get the job. I think God wants me to be right where I am for now. Oh sure, my ego took a hit. But in my heart I am so relieved! I am still in recovery. I still fight urges to drink and to go back to the stress that helped drive my addiction would be suicide. God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Rough patches...

Today was a weird day. I was triggered but I can't say exactly but what. Probably a who. Debbie hears a who...
I went to my therapist and she had the nerve to recommend I go to an AA meeting. :/
I did. She is right. I knew she was right, but my addiction told me that I didn't need to go, that she didn't know what was really up. I actually went home. But I couldn't enjoy my lunch so I went to a meeting. Now I am going to work. Hi ho.

http://zenhabits.net/

This is one of my favorite blogs. I started reading this one a couple of years ago when I was desperately trying to find something to calm the crazies in my head. Well after a good detox I was able to absorb a lot of what Leo has to say. I like today's post, it is about gratitude. This is an effective tool anyone can use when you start to feeling sorry for yourself and need to reign in those nasty voices. After I posted my blog this morning, I did a do-over to my day. I went back to my bed. (I really did!!) I knelt on the side of the bed and asked my higher power to help me. I surrendered my day and went meditate quietly and read. Now as I get ready to go to work, I read Leo's post and make my own gratitude list:

•   I am grateful for my humble home. It ain't fancy, but it keeps me dry and out of the elements.
•   My children.
•   I am grateful for my family. So grateful they are so near to me.
•   To be sober today.
•   I am grateful for my wonderful sister. 
•   My very patient husband.
•   The best job in the world.
•    I am healthy.
•    To be a citizen of the US of A. 
•    for my best friend of 30 plus years

See you all later...

Just plain aggravated...

Good grief!! I woke up on the wrong side of my bed. Since getting sober 2 years ago and suffering one relapse, I have been trying real hard to "do things differently." In the mornings I start out with my prayers and meditations and some big book. I did not really do that. I had this thought while drinking my coffee and my husband was watching the news. (I hate watching the news first thing in the morning, it really puts me in a bad frame of mind.) I thought to myself, that maybe it is ok to do things differently now, that I don't have to be so rigid in my recovery routine. Well, judging by the way my morning feels right now, I need a "do-over". So, I am going to do just that. I will be back. Sober.

A Perk of My sobriety...

I use to have a HUGE problem with sleep. I could not get enough. I always felt tired, run down and sleep deprived. So I would drink to help me sleep better. Then I started taking ambien. And that got so crazy!!! Oh my goodness, things got really scary. I got hooked on taking ambien with alcohol because it was a trip. Only problem was I would sleep drive, sleep cook, sleep almost burn my house down...and no telling what else. I thought I was doomed to never sleep again.
Since getting sober I sleep soooooo good!!! I take nothing anymore. I do not have to. Every night around 9:00 I get sleepy. Oh what a feeling. It is truly bliss not to have insomnia anymore. I wake up every morning feeling so refreshed and energetic. What a blessing! It took a while to get that routine at first. Life is good. Sobriety is wonderful.

Today I reflect...

This time two years ago I was on librium as part of the detox program of the 90 day treatment facility I admitted myself to. Somehow in the course of my life I became unable to control how much drugs and alcohol I put into my system once I took that first drink. I had not attributed that to my being an addict/alcoholic. I just thought I had way too much stress in my life and by golly I needed to sleep, deserved to relax, or just had more fun when I drank. And too; after 3 failed marriages I had a lot of guilt and remorse and regret I had to do something about. Drinking helped. Until it didn't. I started seeing a therapist some 15 or so years ago and when she mentioned something about that word"alcoholic", I kind of freaked out. That had never occurred to me. I think I worked up the nerve to go to a meeting and was a little overwhelmed about the 12 steps. So in my mind I thought if I just gave up the vodka and switched to wine then I would be ok. After 3 meetings I was "cured". This seemed to work somewhat. I think I quit going to that therapist too. Man, I was really cured. (I hope you can sense the sarcasm). I was swimming in a sea of denial. This went on til I met my current husband. We met at a bar. I often went to bars by myself. Good grief!!! Looking back now I am horrified and saddened. But I did. That way I could leave when I wanted and with whoever I wanted without having to worry about someone else. Selfish and self-centered. We became drinking buddies. He met someone who had no problems drinking at whatever time it was. If I got off at 7 am from the hospital, then that was my night. I would stop at the store and pick up my bottle or two of wine and commence to drinking til I was drunk; not tipsy but DRUNK. I could never start and stop just when I was starting to feel it. When I heard about that in rehab; that normal people did that, I was blown away. I really thought that everybody wanted to be drunk when they started drinking or else why drink? He drank more than I did. I had hit the jackpot. He was handsome and successful and had no problem with how much I drank. The last husband I had threatened to have me committed after I freaked out on him when he tried to empty a bottle of vodka down the sink. I left him so fast and never looked back. I was protecting my alcohol.
For 10 years we drank and he turned me on to sleeping pills.
The end was inevitable. I am very, very grateful that I did not kill anyone in all that time or wind up dead myself or in prison.
These past 2 years has been quite a journey. My husband and I are still married though we are now in marriage therapy. I have just found a therapist who has experience in addiction. I go to AA meetings and I try to follow the steps and practice the principles in all my affairs. I have not been faithful in this and so I have had a relapse and a slip. I know why...cause I am an alcoholic. But I keep on trying. I quit picking up chips because I am still battling that demon alcohol when he whispers in my head that I can handle just one. But every morning I pray to my Higher Power that He keep me sober another day. So far so good.