When I returned to rehab to figure out WHAT THE HECK happened that may have lead to my return to that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, one of the things I was told was that I had failed to enlarge my spiritual life. Well this area has been a battle for me. In my childhood I was raised with that punishing God. I feared him and his wrath. I grew into adulthood and had turned my back on religion. I have since learned that spirituality and religion are two very different things. I was also told that I could come up with my own concept of a higher power just as long as it was not ME. It sounded like blasphemy. Just thinking about it made me scared I was going to hell. That childhood brainwashing is so entrenched! Then I began to think. I am a parent. I love my kids. If it is within my power to help them, I absolutely do. Yes, they have their own wills. But I did everything within my power to keep them safe and out of harm's way. I provided for them not only their needs but most of their wants because I love them. I still do it today. So the God of my own understanding is an image of that. I have also come to the realization that this omnipotence may not be entirely right. (Here I put in entirely for fear of a stray lightning bolt...)
Humm, I am still here:) Anyway, I am still searching. I do my daily meditations and I do pray. I pray for acceptance and an open mind. I pray to whoever is out there. I have observed in these 49 years that people who pray and attend some sort of place of faith seem to have a more stable life. They seem to have more things over a period of time. So there must be something to it. I am willing. In the meantime, I try to visit different places of worship in my way of actively seeking. I have also found that for me, when I do pray I feel on more steady ground. I have less fear. Now, for some more New Orleans French Market coffee and chicory. YuMMMm!!!! Bliss....
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