Today I reflect...

This time two years ago I was on librium as part of the detox program of the 90 day treatment facility I admitted myself to. Somehow in the course of my life I became unable to control how much drugs and alcohol I put into my system once I took that first drink. I had not attributed that to my being an addict/alcoholic. I just thought I had way too much stress in my life and by golly I needed to sleep, deserved to relax, or just had more fun when I drank. And too; after 3 failed marriages I had a lot of guilt and remorse and regret I had to do something about. Drinking helped. Until it didn't. I started seeing a therapist some 15 or so years ago and when she mentioned something about that word"alcoholic", I kind of freaked out. That had never occurred to me. I think I worked up the nerve to go to a meeting and was a little overwhelmed about the 12 steps. So in my mind I thought if I just gave up the vodka and switched to wine then I would be ok. After 3 meetings I was "cured". This seemed to work somewhat. I think I quit going to that therapist too. Man, I was really cured. (I hope you can sense the sarcasm). I was swimming in a sea of denial. This went on til I met my current husband. We met at a bar. I often went to bars by myself. Good grief!!! Looking back now I am horrified and saddened. But I did. That way I could leave when I wanted and with whoever I wanted without having to worry about someone else. Selfish and self-centered. We became drinking buddies. He met someone who had no problems drinking at whatever time it was. If I got off at 7 am from the hospital, then that was my night. I would stop at the store and pick up my bottle or two of wine and commence to drinking til I was drunk; not tipsy but DRUNK. I could never start and stop just when I was starting to feel it. When I heard about that in rehab; that normal people did that, I was blown away. I really thought that everybody wanted to be drunk when they started drinking or else why drink? He drank more than I did. I had hit the jackpot. He was handsome and successful and had no problem with how much I drank. The last husband I had threatened to have me committed after I freaked out on him when he tried to empty a bottle of vodka down the sink. I left him so fast and never looked back. I was protecting my alcohol.
For 10 years we drank and he turned me on to sleeping pills.
The end was inevitable. I am very, very grateful that I did not kill anyone in all that time or wind up dead myself or in prison.
These past 2 years has been quite a journey. My husband and I are still married though we are now in marriage therapy. I have just found a therapist who has experience in addiction. I go to AA meetings and I try to follow the steps and practice the principles in all my affairs. I have not been faithful in this and so I have had a relapse and a slip. I know why...cause I am an alcoholic. But I keep on trying. I quit picking up chips because I am still battling that demon alcohol when he whispers in my head that I can handle just one. But every morning I pray to my Higher Power that He keep me sober another day. So far so good.