A New Routine

Now that I have admitted that I am powerless and have accepted that I just can't ever drink AT ALL-EVER, I am working on my steps with a sponsor and getting a new routine. Just over a week ago, I hadn't any kind of routine. And that left we feeling rather restless and aimless. So now realize I have to develop a healthy and balanced routine. It will have to include very regular AA meetings and daily prayers and meditations as well as exercise of some sort and of course taking care of the rest of the stuff like uh...housework, cooking, having fun. This last one is a bit tricky. How to have fun. I don't know a whole lot about having fun: sober. Use to be that having fun was a bottle of wine with another in reserve and a night of watching Housewives and Sex and the City. That was fun until it became very scary when I would inevitably run out of booze or decide that I really needed to pick a fight with my husband at around 2am. I am stumped. All so new.

"I would love to!" oops, my addiction was showing

  Just that quick: my husband called me and asked if I could go get a wedding gift for one of his co-workers. He asked me my opinion on a good wine. Wellll...that is just up my alley. Right away I started naming some fine wine suggestions. He then asked if I would go pick one out. Immediately I said, "I would love to. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to go to my favorite wine store and peruse those beautiful bottles for that pinot noir. Then sanity came back, oh no! I can NOT do that!!! I called him right back and told him that I could not do that for him, that it was too slippery a slope. An THEN, my addiction was quick to point out by saying, "How dare he ask you to do that!!! What is wrong with him?!!  He doesn't care about you!!!" Ahh, a resentment.."you should get a bottle for you too and drink it..yey..that will show him what a bad idea he had." I nibbled on that a bit.  Thank God, I did not take that bait. Why on earth do I want to drink that poison and hope he dies? That is just stupid. Phewww. It is relentless. I then went to an afternoon AA meeting and heard some good stuff and stood next to a young man who reeked of alcohol, there was my dose of hope and my reminder. I was very glad I didn't drink today. For today: I win:)

What a difference...

What a difference a sponsor makes in the life of recovery. It doesn't take much for my mind to go off on tangents. When I do it is like I can't stop! I start awfulizing everything. Then I want to start making drastic moves, calls, etc. Before I had a sponsor I would just try and run the show on my own. I believe it was a case of my fixing the problem with the problem. Good Golly!!! How on earth did I really expect to get any better? So today..I did something radical. I went to my local AA meeting club where much to my delight alot of people were there and someone had cooked and it was wonderful. My sponsor was there and I told her I needed to talk to her when I got off of work and she was so sweet and willing. I did talk to her and am doing everything that she suggests. I felt much better. pheww..And the saying is: it works if you work it.

The Psychic Change

For 2 years I had no idea what it was like to have a psychic change. That one needed in order to happy, joyous and free. I only knew that I hadn't had it yet. I was still fighting. Although I thought I was "working" it and then decided that I could do with an easier softer way that would suffice. It nearly killed me. I had to hit another bottom. When I saw where my alcoholism wanted me next, I had my psychic change, only I didn't know it at the time. When I went back and read my journal from the entry before and then after...there it was. It is very hard to describe and I sure fought it hard. But when I finally accepted defeat and surrendered psychically, I was changed. The program says, "don't quit before the miracle" and I am so glad I didn't. I am 3 days sober and happy.

Half Measures...

For 2 years I have been the queen of half measures. In The Big Book of AA in chapter 5 before it tells us how the 12 steps work it tells us that half measures availed us nothing. I have 2 years of white-knuckling scars to prove it. I was hoping that somehow I could drink like normal people again. I just couldn't believe I was really an alcoholic. Well, I AM!!! I surrender. I can NOT, nor will EVER again be able to drink. EVER!!! It is a relief to finally be able to accept this. I can't find an easier softer way. But I have found hope in the meetings that I have been half-heartedly attending on behalf of the nursing boards and then my husband. So today I picked up THE MOST important chip, the slip chip. And I could not wait to get it. I told my therapist just this Monday that I was not going to be picking up anymore slip chips or attending anymore meetings. How do you like that display of defiance? My addiction was in full control of my faculties. I even drank and blew positive in a breathalizer and called IT a liar. INSANITY. I am very grateful to say today, "My name is Debbie and I am powerless over alcohol. I am an alcoholic." Day 1. September 11, 2013. Happy Birthday to me:)

Another Day One

Well, here I go. It is getting really hard for me to leave my home. I can't stay away from alcohol. Yesterday I had to have a margarita. It was a medium size one and your could practically soak your feet in it because it was that big. After I had that one well of course I had to have more. Since when is an alcoholic satisfied with one? So off to the store for a bottle of kahlua. I came home and had some with milk. Of course when my husband comes home, he can tell and asks me to blow into the breathlalyzer and it comes out positive and I try to lie and say it must be broken. How pathetic is that? I see some people blog about staying sober and I wonder how do they do it? I have done the AA thing and I can't seem to ask for help. So I am not working a program. But then I see some of you guys doing it without a program and wonder why can't I? How do you all do it? I am getting tired of the struggle. Anyone out there?

Feeling Grateful

My dogs are laying at my feet. I had my 2 year old grandson here earlier from a sleepover and he is so good. I am so blessed. We lost his older brother a year ago and I am still numb about it. I don't think it has really hit me yet. He had just turned 2 and it was a little sudden. So time with this one is so important to me. Anyway, I am sober..no small thing from a raging alcoholic like me. I have the misfortune to live in the land of drive-thru daiquiri shops and that is a temptation I fight everyday. But today, I feel grateful. I am at choice today. When I was in my addiction, I had no choice..I had to drink and take sleeping pills. Today I do not. Freedom and choice mean different things to me now. Once upon a time, sleep was my enemy. It forever fought me. I could never just fall asleep without some chemical help. After a while even that didn't help. It was my nightmare. Today I can sleep without a thing. In fact, I am so sleepy right now and it is only 8:18PM. I haven't had a problem with sleep in almost 2 years since I went to treatment for my addictions. Thank God! Freedom. Exhaling and bliss in something as simple as a good night's rest. Life is good. I think I will curl up with a good book and three of the cutest dogs you ever did see.