A New Routine

Now that I have admitted that I am powerless and have accepted that I just can't ever drink AT ALL-EVER, I am working on my steps with a sponsor and getting a new routine. Just over a week ago, I hadn't any kind of routine. And that left we feeling rather restless and aimless. So now realize I have to develop a healthy and balanced routine. It will have to include very regular AA meetings and daily prayers and meditations as well as exercise of some sort and of course taking care of the rest of the stuff like uh...housework, cooking, having fun. This last one is a bit tricky. How to have fun. I don't know a whole lot about having fun: sober. Use to be that having fun was a bottle of wine with another in reserve and a night of watching Housewives and Sex and the City. That was fun until it became very scary when I would inevitably run out of booze or decide that I really needed to pick a fight with my husband at around 2am. I am stumped. All so new.

"I would love to!" oops, my addiction was showing

  Just that quick: my husband called me and asked if I could go get a wedding gift for one of his co-workers. He asked me my opinion on a good wine. Wellll...that is just up my alley. Right away I started naming some fine wine suggestions. He then asked if I would go pick one out. Immediately I said, "I would love to. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to go to my favorite wine store and peruse those beautiful bottles for that pinot noir. Then sanity came back, oh no! I can NOT do that!!! I called him right back and told him that I could not do that for him, that it was too slippery a slope. An THEN, my addiction was quick to point out by saying, "How dare he ask you to do that!!! What is wrong with him?!!  He doesn't care about you!!!" Ahh, a resentment.."you should get a bottle for you too and drink it..yey..that will show him what a bad idea he had." I nibbled on that a bit.  Thank God, I did not take that bait. Why on earth do I want to drink that poison and hope he dies? That is just stupid. Phewww. It is relentless. I then went to an afternoon AA meeting and heard some good stuff and stood next to a young man who reeked of alcohol, there was my dose of hope and my reminder. I was very glad I didn't drink today. For today: I win:)

What a difference...

What a difference a sponsor makes in the life of recovery. It doesn't take much for my mind to go off on tangents. When I do it is like I can't stop! I start awfulizing everything. Then I want to start making drastic moves, calls, etc. Before I had a sponsor I would just try and run the show on my own. I believe it was a case of my fixing the problem with the problem. Good Golly!!! How on earth did I really expect to get any better? So today..I did something radical. I went to my local AA meeting club where much to my delight alot of people were there and someone had cooked and it was wonderful. My sponsor was there and I told her I needed to talk to her when I got off of work and she was so sweet and willing. I did talk to her and am doing everything that she suggests. I felt much better. pheww..And the saying is: it works if you work it.

The Psychic Change

For 2 years I had no idea what it was like to have a psychic change. That one needed in order to happy, joyous and free. I only knew that I hadn't had it yet. I was still fighting. Although I thought I was "working" it and then decided that I could do with an easier softer way that would suffice. It nearly killed me. I had to hit another bottom. When I saw where my alcoholism wanted me next, I had my psychic change, only I didn't know it at the time. When I went back and read my journal from the entry before and then after...there it was. It is very hard to describe and I sure fought it hard. But when I finally accepted defeat and surrendered psychically, I was changed. The program says, "don't quit before the miracle" and I am so glad I didn't. I am 3 days sober and happy.

Half Measures...

For 2 years I have been the queen of half measures. In The Big Book of AA in chapter 5 before it tells us how the 12 steps work it tells us that half measures availed us nothing. I have 2 years of white-knuckling scars to prove it. I was hoping that somehow I could drink like normal people again. I just couldn't believe I was really an alcoholic. Well, I AM!!! I surrender. I can NOT, nor will EVER again be able to drink. EVER!!! It is a relief to finally be able to accept this. I can't find an easier softer way. But I have found hope in the meetings that I have been half-heartedly attending on behalf of the nursing boards and then my husband. So today I picked up THE MOST important chip, the slip chip. And I could not wait to get it. I told my therapist just this Monday that I was not going to be picking up anymore slip chips or attending anymore meetings. How do you like that display of defiance? My addiction was in full control of my faculties. I even drank and blew positive in a breathalizer and called IT a liar. INSANITY. I am very grateful to say today, "My name is Debbie and I am powerless over alcohol. I am an alcoholic." Day 1. September 11, 2013. Happy Birthday to me:)

Another Day One

Well, here I go. It is getting really hard for me to leave my home. I can't stay away from alcohol. Yesterday I had to have a margarita. It was a medium size one and your could practically soak your feet in it because it was that big. After I had that one well of course I had to have more. Since when is an alcoholic satisfied with one? So off to the store for a bottle of kahlua. I came home and had some with milk. Of course when my husband comes home, he can tell and asks me to blow into the breathlalyzer and it comes out positive and I try to lie and say it must be broken. How pathetic is that? I see some people blog about staying sober and I wonder how do they do it? I have done the AA thing and I can't seem to ask for help. So I am not working a program. But then I see some of you guys doing it without a program and wonder why can't I? How do you all do it? I am getting tired of the struggle. Anyone out there?

Feeling Grateful

My dogs are laying at my feet. I had my 2 year old grandson here earlier from a sleepover and he is so good. I am so blessed. We lost his older brother a year ago and I am still numb about it. I don't think it has really hit me yet. He had just turned 2 and it was a little sudden. So time with this one is so important to me. Anyway, I am sober..no small thing from a raging alcoholic like me. I have the misfortune to live in the land of drive-thru daiquiri shops and that is a temptation I fight everyday. But today, I feel grateful. I am at choice today. When I was in my addiction, I had no choice..I had to drink and take sleeping pills. Today I do not. Freedom and choice mean different things to me now. Once upon a time, sleep was my enemy. It forever fought me. I could never just fall asleep without some chemical help. After a while even that didn't help. It was my nightmare. Today I can sleep without a thing. In fact, I am so sleepy right now and it is only 8:18PM. I haven't had a problem with sleep in almost 2 years since I went to treatment for my addictions. Thank God! Freedom. Exhaling and bliss in something as simple as a good night's rest. Life is good. I think I will curl up with a good book and three of the cutest dogs you ever did see.

Because I am an Alcoholic...

Why do I drink? What are my triggers? Do I even need triggers? It seems that I drink because I just want to. These past 7 days have been rough. On 2 separate days I had 2 drinks: 1 was a medium marguarita and the other a large white Russian. Here in south Louisiana we have drive-thru daiquiri shops. They are very hard for this alcoholic to resist. Do you also see how my addiction tried to minimize this by telling you the amounts? Like just having the above is not much....but for an alcoholic, it starts the insane compulsive thoughts and actions where I wake up thinking how can I get or avoid a drink? It is such insanity. I struggle. I am so trying to find a balance. And again, I named this blog that title because I want to be able to drink like normal people so I am trying to figure out how..the balance. Oh! It is exhausting. Today I need to tell my husband. Or do I? My therapist wants me to. My addiction says no! He will leave me!!! Good grief. If anyone is reading this...well I need to hear some support. I will go to a meeting today.

Soooo thankful!!!

After 17 years of hard floor nursing, I burned out. Furiously!!! Bottles and bottles of wine and bottles of ambien saw me off to rehab. Since then, I went back to work as a nurse but within 2 months I quit. My grandson passed away and I then relapsed. Now, a year later, I work part-time at a library. It is heaven! My husband would like for me to go back into nursing, but the thought of that makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I applied for a telemetry monitor tech/unit secretary. And I prayed about it. I was really nervous because it would be shift work and nights and OH MY GOD!!! I was getting anxious just thinking about it. I am happy to report that I did not get the job. I think God wants me to be right where I am for now. Oh sure, my ego took a hit. But in my heart I am so relieved! I am still in recovery. I still fight urges to drink and to go back to the stress that helped drive my addiction would be suicide. God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Rough patches...

Today was a weird day. I was triggered but I can't say exactly but what. Probably a who. Debbie hears a who...
I went to my therapist and she had the nerve to recommend I go to an AA meeting. :/
I did. She is right. I knew she was right, but my addiction told me that I didn't need to go, that she didn't know what was really up. I actually went home. But I couldn't enjoy my lunch so I went to a meeting. Now I am going to work. Hi ho.

http://zenhabits.net/

This is one of my favorite blogs. I started reading this one a couple of years ago when I was desperately trying to find something to calm the crazies in my head. Well after a good detox I was able to absorb a lot of what Leo has to say. I like today's post, it is about gratitude. This is an effective tool anyone can use when you start to feeling sorry for yourself and need to reign in those nasty voices. After I posted my blog this morning, I did a do-over to my day. I went back to my bed. (I really did!!) I knelt on the side of the bed and asked my higher power to help me. I surrendered my day and went meditate quietly and read. Now as I get ready to go to work, I read Leo's post and make my own gratitude list:

•   I am grateful for my humble home. It ain't fancy, but it keeps me dry and out of the elements.
•   My children.
•   I am grateful for my family. So grateful they are so near to me.
•   To be sober today.
•   I am grateful for my wonderful sister. 
•   My very patient husband.
•   The best job in the world.
•    I am healthy.
•    To be a citizen of the US of A. 
•    for my best friend of 30 plus years

See you all later...

Just plain aggravated...

Good grief!! I woke up on the wrong side of my bed. Since getting sober 2 years ago and suffering one relapse, I have been trying real hard to "do things differently." In the mornings I start out with my prayers and meditations and some big book. I did not really do that. I had this thought while drinking my coffee and my husband was watching the news. (I hate watching the news first thing in the morning, it really puts me in a bad frame of mind.) I thought to myself, that maybe it is ok to do things differently now, that I don't have to be so rigid in my recovery routine. Well, judging by the way my morning feels right now, I need a "do-over". So, I am going to do just that. I will be back. Sober.

A Perk of My sobriety...

I use to have a HUGE problem with sleep. I could not get enough. I always felt tired, run down and sleep deprived. So I would drink to help me sleep better. Then I started taking ambien. And that got so crazy!!! Oh my goodness, things got really scary. I got hooked on taking ambien with alcohol because it was a trip. Only problem was I would sleep drive, sleep cook, sleep almost burn my house down...and no telling what else. I thought I was doomed to never sleep again.
Since getting sober I sleep soooooo good!!! I take nothing anymore. I do not have to. Every night around 9:00 I get sleepy. Oh what a feeling. It is truly bliss not to have insomnia anymore. I wake up every morning feeling so refreshed and energetic. What a blessing! It took a while to get that routine at first. Life is good. Sobriety is wonderful.

Today I reflect...

This time two years ago I was on librium as part of the detox program of the 90 day treatment facility I admitted myself to. Somehow in the course of my life I became unable to control how much drugs and alcohol I put into my system once I took that first drink. I had not attributed that to my being an addict/alcoholic. I just thought I had way too much stress in my life and by golly I needed to sleep, deserved to relax, or just had more fun when I drank. And too; after 3 failed marriages I had a lot of guilt and remorse and regret I had to do something about. Drinking helped. Until it didn't. I started seeing a therapist some 15 or so years ago and when she mentioned something about that word"alcoholic", I kind of freaked out. That had never occurred to me. I think I worked up the nerve to go to a meeting and was a little overwhelmed about the 12 steps. So in my mind I thought if I just gave up the vodka and switched to wine then I would be ok. After 3 meetings I was "cured". This seemed to work somewhat. I think I quit going to that therapist too. Man, I was really cured. (I hope you can sense the sarcasm). I was swimming in a sea of denial. This went on til I met my current husband. We met at a bar. I often went to bars by myself. Good grief!!! Looking back now I am horrified and saddened. But I did. That way I could leave when I wanted and with whoever I wanted without having to worry about someone else. Selfish and self-centered. We became drinking buddies. He met someone who had no problems drinking at whatever time it was. If I got off at 7 am from the hospital, then that was my night. I would stop at the store and pick up my bottle or two of wine and commence to drinking til I was drunk; not tipsy but DRUNK. I could never start and stop just when I was starting to feel it. When I heard about that in rehab; that normal people did that, I was blown away. I really thought that everybody wanted to be drunk when they started drinking or else why drink? He drank more than I did. I had hit the jackpot. He was handsome and successful and had no problem with how much I drank. The last husband I had threatened to have me committed after I freaked out on him when he tried to empty a bottle of vodka down the sink. I left him so fast and never looked back. I was protecting my alcohol.
For 10 years we drank and he turned me on to sleeping pills.
The end was inevitable. I am very, very grateful that I did not kill anyone in all that time or wind up dead myself or in prison.
These past 2 years has been quite a journey. My husband and I are still married though we are now in marriage therapy. I have just found a therapist who has experience in addiction. I go to AA meetings and I try to follow the steps and practice the principles in all my affairs. I have not been faithful in this and so I have had a relapse and a slip. I know why...cause I am an alcoholic. But I keep on trying. I quit picking up chips because I am still battling that demon alcohol when he whispers in my head that I can handle just one. But every morning I pray to my Higher Power that He keep me sober another day. So far so good.

enlarging my spiritual life

When I returned to rehab to figure out WHAT THE HECK happened that may have lead to my return to that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, one of the things I was told was that I had failed to enlarge my spiritual life. Well this area has been a battle for me. In my childhood I was raised with that punishing God. I feared him and his wrath. I grew into adulthood and had turned my back on religion. I have since learned that spirituality and religion are two very different things. I was also told that I could come up with my own concept of a higher power just as long as it was not ME. It sounded like blasphemy. Just thinking about it made me scared I was going to hell. That childhood brainwashing is so entrenched! Then I began to think. I am a parent. I love my kids. If it is within my power to help them, I absolutely do. Yes, they have their own wills. But I did everything within my power to keep them safe and out of harm's way. I provided for them not only their needs but most of their wants because I love them. I still do it today. So the God of my own understanding is an image of that. I have also come to the realization that this omnipotence may not be entirely right. (Here I put in entirely for fear of a stray lightning bolt...)
Humm, I am still here:)  Anyway, I am still searching. I do my daily meditations and I do pray. I pray for acceptance and an open mind. I pray to whoever is out there. I have observed in these 49 years that people who pray and attend some sort of place of faith seem to have a more stable life. They seem to have more things over a period of time. So there must be something to it. I am willing. In the meantime, I try to visit different places of worship in my way of actively seeking. I have also found that for me, when I do pray I feel on more steady ground. I have less fear. Now, for some more New Orleans French Market coffee and chicory. YuMMMm!!!! Bliss....